The Hardest Part About Leaving is Saying Goodbye

by - Thursday, September 26, 2019


As I write this, tears are falling down my face.  I know leaving is coming soon. I've asked myself a million times. I know leaving is what I must do, but that doesn't make the sadness go away. 

My eyes tear up. They're not happy or sad tears. They're tears of looking back and wishing I could stay. Wishing I had other options. Wishing I didn't have to leave. They're tears of every emotion I've ever felt or made for the past few months. Tears for all the beautiful soul I've met, all the memories I get to keep and all the connections I made.

I learned just how incredible the people I surrounded myself for these past few months. I'm scared of leaving the people behind the most. I'm scared that it'll never be the same. That when I leave, I lose them too.

While I can't bring them home with me, I can (and will) bring home all the memories we made, all the memories we shared. For this, I can't thank them enough. 

I realized I had become a gloomy, distant, and cold-hearted person - all out of necessity. I had gravitated away from the very core of who I always was. I think anxiety can cause people to behave in ways that they don't mean to.

All I can think right now is about the timeline I have, all the things I will have to let go. I walk my door thinking, soon I won't enter this door anymore. Everything reminds me of what I'm losing, what I'm leaving, what I don't get to take with me. I can't help but think how soon I'll be here for the last time. I'm scared that when I leave everything gets to change.

But no matter how much I wish to stay, life has to go on. It is definitely for the better even though it consists of sorrow and tears. My well-being is more important and crucial than anything else. I had to relearn how to forgive myself. Before I could find lightness again and be of service to the people in my life, I had to learn to forgive myself.

Until next time,
Ita 
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