Speaking My Truth: Lies, Betrayal and Depression

by - Friday, March 09, 2018

I'm writing on this topic because it is something I live with. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorders (PTSD). Sharing this side of myself isn't something that becomes easier to do but I hope it can impact somebody to where they know they are not alone in this battle.

I started my career as a fashion blogger and influencer, everything seemed set. It seemed as if my hard work had paid off and one by one my dreams were realized. No one would have guessed even the surface of the situation from the outside looking in.

Throughout my life, I have always faced challenged. I hardly trust people, but once I love, I'll give my world to them wholeheartedly (I know this is stupid). I'm a loyal person, death is not my biggest fear, but BETRAYAL, LIES, AND BEING LEFT ALONE.

And.. This past year has been hands down one of the hardest ones yet and has left the biggest impact on my life. I had reached the rock bottom of rock bottoms. I just found that someone I know and trust (of course) betrayed me for the second time (or maybe more?) The universe just showed me what this person has done (or maybe still doing it) behind my back. I felt like my world has completely fallen apart. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like someone hit me in the head with an axe. I started losing weight, I have no appetite, my hair started falling out, I couldn't sleep at night, I just wasn't myself anymore.

I keep asking myself am I not worth it until my self-esteem below zero. I keep asking myself, how am I ever going to survive this? Having someone betray your trust is the biggest slap in the face known to humankind. But until now, I decided to pretend not knowing anything and act nicely in front of this person. I held it for almost a year. I think it's better to just kill me or hurt me physically than betray my trust. I don't know if I can actually take the pain, that's why I learned to put on a fake smile to pretend that things were okay when deep down I felt numb. You might say that I'm dumb but I still have a little faith that this person would realize it and change to be better. I know I tortured myself and my depression just getting worse..

Ugly. Loser. Don't have a nice body. Too skinny. Not even sexy. You're pitiful. Useless. That's why the person you trust betray you. The world would be a better place without you in it, taking up so much worthless space. You're a disgrace. 

These are the thoughts that went through my head every day. Pretty crazy huh? And yet, that was my reality. And the worst part?

No one understood. In a world of 7.6 billion people, I was alone. 

It's so easy for others to say "just deal with it" but sometimes I just can't. I don't think they realize exactly how much it hurts. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

It's not just surrounding me, it's inside of me. In my brain. I can't think clearly, it's foggy in here. I can't concentrate even on a simple task. I feel like I'm stuck in someone else's eternal nightmare. And it's not just a mental thing, I feel it in my bones, in my chest, and I'd say it's permeated my soul too. But somewhere underneath, over, around, in or through the fog, there's something else in me. I don't know who or what it is, this someone screams at the top of her lungs, begging, shouting to be heard, to be free. She wants out of the fog but it's too thick, I can't see her. I only have a sense she's there, always fighting and yelling.

All I know now is darkness, heaviness, and suffocation. I can't breathe, darling. It's like there's not enough air like someone turned down the oxygen level on earth. I know I'm not the center of the universe but I'm tired of suffering, of feeling so bad all the time, I feel dead inside.

I know I'm far from perfect and don't have a nice body or the most beautiful face and personality. But I'm what I am. I have a big, pure and loyal heart to offer. I might be broken and shattered into a million different pieces on the cold, hard floor. Instead of trying to force a change, trust in the power of acceptance. Nobody's perfect. Accepting me as I am, and don't stab me in the back is the most powerful gift you can give me.

Until Next Time, Ita

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